The Darkest Thought… and the Light beyond it

[1200 words]

The darkest thought I’ve ever thought which I don’t consider clinically insane is this.

We live in the best possible world.

Everything happens for a reason — and that reason is that everything is for the best.

In other words — it’s all part of God’s plan.

And God is good and wise and kind.

That is the darkest thought I’ve ever thought. Because, insofar as it’s true, every dead baby ever — every crime against humanity and nature — was justified and necessary.

And that’s about as dark as dark can get.

This is the quickest way I can think to explain why that thought is not clinically insane and shouldn’t be dismissed out of hand.

The logic of the universe can be seen as, fundamentally, extremely generous.

It wants to allow everything that can exist the chance to exist for as long as possible. And it will bend itself to allow that.

To adapt the words of the Great Prophet Marx: from each according to their abilities, to each according to their needs.

It is possible to look at the universe that way. It takes whatever each thing can offer, and gives it to whatever needs it.

So, a star needs a bunch of fuel to continue to exist. So the universe gives it that fuel, so it can maintain itself for as long as possible.

And that fuel gives the star certain abilities — namely, to generate heat and light.

And there are lots of plants and things on planet Earth that need that heat and light. So the universe takes according to the star’s ability and gives according to the plant’s needs.

It’s a perfectly self-regulating system.

OK. Now here’s where it gets complicated.

There’s this particular fluctuation in spacetime which we call Jeff Bezos.

In order for that thing to continue to exist, it needs to have a certain baseline level of mental health. It needs to feel basically happy with its place in the world, or else it starts moving towards non-existence, quickly or less quickly.

In order to do that, this thing called Jeff Bezos apparently needs all the resources of an entire planet.

And so the universe shifts itself accordingly. “Is that what you need in order to continue to exist, Jeff Bezos? Is your greed so limitless that, should you have anything less than all the resources on planet Earth, you would feel so bad about your life that you would wither away and die? OK, fine then. Here — take all the resources on Earth.”

Meanwhile, there’s a girl. I don’t know what her name is, but I know that she exists. Let’s say a little bird told me.

This girl lives alone, in a mud hut somewhere.

All she needs to have the same baseline level of mental health as Jeff Bezos — to feel basically OK and that life’s worth living — is enough food to keep herself alive.

And she toils all day to get that food. Once she’s gotten it, she goes back to her mud hut and eats it. And then she goes to bed, having had as happy a day as Jeff Bezos.

And so the universe is like “OK. All you need to be happy is that? OK, great. You’re saving me a lot of trouble. This way, I can use the stuff that I might have given to you and give it to Jeff Bezos instead. Because he clearly needs it more.”

And what goes for this human girl, goes for every animal on Earth.

They are all struggling and starving and dying out quick because they can actually be content with relatively little.

And the universe is using their sacrifices to keep Jeff Bezos in existence and content another day longer.

Because that motherfucker actually needs it.

The universe is generous. The universe will give him what he needs. And it will keep doing that until we force it to stop. Because the universe is way too bloody nice, and doesn’t know when to cut toxic people out of its life.

And that, ladies and gentleman…….. is fucked.

And it gets weirder. Cus maybe the universe doesn’t want things to be that way either. So how does it self-adjust? It makes people with really piercing insight and a really heavy conscience, and then makes them live their lives in the attempt to upset this balance.

It regulates itself, through us.

And that, ladies and gentleman…….. is extremely fucked. Cus that means I actually have to inconvenience myself to do something about it. I can’t just let the bloody thing take its course and balance itself out. Which would be a lot easier on me, let me tell you.

So. How do I feel better after having been pummelled by this thought?

A couple of ways.

Firstly, some humility. Have I actually uncovered the underlying logic of the universe? Have I actually pierced through the veil and understood God’s plan. Let’s face it — probably not.

So, that’s good. I’m probably just a stupid monkey who has no idea what’s really going on.

Secondly — just cus God Almighty sees fit to do things that way doesn’t mean I have to. Cursing God and telling the universe to go fuck itself is an integral part of my morning prayers. All part of a balanced breakfast. The universe can do whatever it wants; I am perfectly entitled to my opinion, and my opinion is that it blows.

Thirdly… oh God, I forget.

Wait a second, I’ll remember.

Oh, yeah — shit.

I’m actually, quite literally laughing right now.

I swear to God I’m not making this up. I thought this all at roughly this time yesterday, and then I started writing it today, and then I had a brain blank, and now I’ve actually just remembered what the third thing was.

The third thing is this.

Absolute and blind submission to the will of God.

Total surrender of one’s own faculties of thought and insight.

Making a decision to trust the universe, no matter how much of an idiot you think it is.

Like a kid who doesn’t understand why its parents are telling it to eat its vegetables when it doesn’t like the taste of them, but does it anyway because the parents have done enough to earn the kid’s respect that they are willing to override their own will.

I find that each time I do that, I am much more at peace.

And sometimes it feels like my body melts away and my mind is totally, and quite literally, suffused in gentle light.

(If you don’t believe me, I’ll explain why this happens later.
Long story short though: it’s cus I did this act of self-surrender way too many times when I was in a delirious and frantic state — when I was in a huge amount of pain and desperate to get out of it.
Eventually, it got to the point where I felt like I was being scoured by searing white heavenly hellfire.
And then even I was like: “OK that’s a bit much David, maybe you should just chill.”
And so now, when I do it, I don’t try so hard, and so it’s much more gentle. In fact, I don’t really try at all anymore — it just kinda happens when I get the things I feel I have to do out of the way.)

Whether or not the fireworks take place, I always find I feel much more at peace after giving up.

And thus, I have that much more energy to go scream at people to go scream at people to go tell Jeff Bezos to fly a fucking kite so high he floats up to Elon Musk’s stupid fucking sports car and drives it off into the nearest black hole.

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