Conversation with my Inner Child

[1000 words]

Hey. David. David. David. David. David. David. David. David. David. David. David. David. Davd. David. David.

What?

I wanna get high.

OK.

So let’s get high.

Mhm.

Come on David. If we can’t smoke weed, let’s go buy some beer, and get drunk. If not, let’s just stop doing this complicated stuff and binge-watch some anime. And if not, can we just message that really pretty girl you keep saying will never message us back, and then spend the rest of the evening watching YouTube to try and forget we did it? …and if you don’t want to do that… then I’ll compromise with you, and we’ll just get high. 

You’re gonna regret it.

No I won’t.

Yeah you will.

No I won’t.

Yeah you will. Remember what happened all the previous times? We just borrow energy from the next day to have a good time tonight. And so we’ll lie in bed for longer in the morning, and we’ll be all drowsy and slow and kinda anxious in the afternoon. And that throws off the good habits we’ve scrabbled so hard to set up, and that’ll set the pattern for the next few days… until, this same day next week, we finally get back to the position we’re in right now. Which is the position you and I both know we’ve wanted to be in for many years. Possibly forever.
So, come on. Be a good boy and maybe we’ll do something self-destructive on the weekend. Cus it’s currently 3pm on a Tuesday. So please shut up.

……….but maybe it won’t happen that way this time.

…….sigh. You’re right. Maybe it won’t happen that way. But you know what the alternative is, right? You do realize what’s involved in the only other option?
The scales will slip from our eyes for a second, and we’ll see God again.
As in, our mind will do its best impression of a hydrogen bomb.
And then it’ll take us not a day or two, but a week to recover.
And the only thing we’ll take away from that is “Holy Shit. It’s bigger than I thought.”
And how many times have we learned that by now?!!
Look, let’s just keep on with the working assumption that it’s all infinite. Done. Dusted. What the fuck more do you want to see?



……….
You’re being mean to me. I hate you.

Don’t worry, I hate myself too, kid.

You’re not fun. I want the fun parent back. 

There are no parents anymore. It’s just you and me.

But I don’t like you. You don’t let me have fun. You’re always saying no to me.
…you used to be way better. But now you’re so…… patient. I hate it. You don’t get angry. So you don’t burn out. So you just keep going. So I never get to go out and play anymore. 

Yeah. I know. Took me a while. But I learned. Also, that’s not fair: I let you out to play all th–

I don’t like you. You’re annoying. It’s all your fault. Everything’s your fault. You know that, right?
You’re the reason everyone hates us. You’re the one who told the other kids in the playground that their games were pointless. And so I’m the one they rejected and made fun of.

Everyone feels the same way about you as I do. Everyone hates you. They see you sitting there, looking down on them. Acting like you always know better. Sitting there like you think the things they want to do are meaningless and won’t make them happy, and that they’re stupid for wanting them. And just sitting there in silence, showing that you think they’re too stupid to bother explaining any of it to them. Acting like you’re better than everyone. Like you’re any different. Acting like I don’t exist. I hate you. Everyone hates you. Everybody hates you. You’re the one who always ruins everything. Everything would be perfect if only you weren’t there.

……………………….kid. You’re actually killing me here.

…cool. ……………………so can we go get high now?

…no.

Goddammit!!!! That one always, always used to work!

I know. Took me a long time. But I learned.

I hate you.

Yeah, I know.

Good. You should. That’s what you get for always getting in my way.
…..
Huh? Wait. Why are you looking at me like that? Stop it, it’s weird.

…what the heck?? Why are you grabbing me?! Get off!
…wait, are you crying? Ew! Stop, you’re gonna get all your snot on me! Let me go!

I love you. I love you so much. I love you so so so much. I’ll never leave you. I promise, no matter how mad I get, no matter how hurt I get, I’ll never abandon you. I’ll never reject you, deny you, take you for granted. I’ll do everything in my power to take care of you for as long as I can.
Because we’re gonna die. You probably don’t understand that, but I do. We’re both gonna die — and we’re gonna die together. And I don’t want that to happen. Because I’ll miss you. Because I love you, and I want you to be happy. So I’ll take care of you for the rest of my life. I’ll do it for as long as I possibly can. I’ll try and make you the happiest kid ever. And you won’t have to change. I’ll change. I’ll grow stronger. You just stay exactly the way you are. Because I love you. I love you. I love you.

…David…?

…….David?

Oh. He’s gone to sleep now. Typical.

..

So what’s it like for you, God? Surely it can’t be anything like that. So schizophrenic. There’s just no way. All this is obviously the product of our particular brain structure, and there’s no possibility that it bears any resemblance to the mind of all things. Surely you coalesce all the plurality in a calm way… a dignified way… a perfect way.

Right?

……………….

Yeah, that’s what I thought would happen. But hell, you can’t blame a guy for trying.

The quiet’s nice, I gotta admit. Can’t say I even miss the little guy at the moment. He’ll be back soon anyway. Oh, and he’s gonna be in a real good mood, too. That’ll be nice.

Hmm. So. What was it I was doing? Oh, right. That. Cool.



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